Thursday, December 20, 2018

"Love me as I am!"

It is fashionable to complain about narcissism these days, and the irony is not lost on me that the narcissist is probably the person most likely to complain about perceived narcissism in others, and probably because it is an affront to his own ego.

I'm keenly aware of this problem because my life, like yours, has slammed up against these people in various ways. This modern, moribund cultural narcissism is curiously asserted as a bold declaration of individual identity, and yet it is impotent in the extreme. You have heard them say it! And if you have said it, then it is likely you are as narcissistic as any. Here is the motto of the modern narcissist: "This is who I am! You will have to love me as I am!"

This motto of narcissism is everywhere because there is a truth in it. Each individual is distinct and should be recognized and appreciated as such. The problem is that some people want to help you recognize their individuality. They are not happy with your apparent obliviousness to them. And in their relentless efforts to be seen, heard, clicked, they lose what makes them unique and begin to dissolve into the mass of narcissists clamoring for attention.

There is a more sinister dimension to the motto of the narcissist. Many who proclaim it do so because they have no intention of changing for anyone else in the human race, including those closest to them. An alcoholic might parrot the motto because the several broken relationships in her life are not her fault. It is obviously to be blamed on the pathetic souls who couldn't accept her as she is. It was a defect in their ability to love. The entire universe must alter itself to an equilibrium around her as she is, and not demand the slightest alteration from her.

This kind of thinking can be fatal in a teenager. Imagine a young person, who by definition is unfinished, demanding that the universe accept her as she is. She is supposed to be in process. Those who love her most will lovingly coach her in her process of becoming. If she boldly asserts that she is finished, that others will have to accept her as she is, then she will clearly forgo the opportunity to develop during the years when becoming ought to be the project of every person. Plato once remarked that the young must be taught to feel liking and disgust for those things that really are likable and disgusting. But an undeveloped narcissist will thunder through life never questioning that what she presently thinks is likable and disgusting makes those things likable and disgusting.

Teenagers are encouraged towards narcissism by todays various pop culture anthems. "You are perfect!" "You are beautiful!" "They are haters!" "Be who you are!" "Follow your heart!" "Proclaim your truth!" You, YOU, YOU!! You are the center of the universe. The only problem with them is that they don't see you! They don't like your instagram page enough. They don't give you a voice. They don't listen to YOU! 

Leave these teenagers to develop along these lines, and you will end up with an adult that is perfected in his or her narcissism. They will light the world on fire, destroy lives, dance upon graves, and then have the audacity to think you mad when you complain about their behavior. They will call you judgmental when you think them selfish. They will act audaciously, impetuously, irreverently, and then think you hateful when you fail to suspend all judgment in your praise of their "originality." Have you ever noticed how every narcissist thinks they are so unique? In my experience they are clones in the most fundamental ways.

Consider a few other interesting characteristics of the modern narcissist:

1. The "Narcissistic Cycle:"

It usually looks something like this: The narcissist initiates some hurtful, insensitive, damaging behavior (objectively, not based on the hurt person's perceptions). The narcissist is confronted for this, which is perceived as a rejection. The narcissist then feels hurt, but only briefly as his or her pride works on this pain, fomenting it quickly into rage against all that would dare to reject him or her. The gap between pain and rage is minuscule, which leaves no time for the narcissist to approach anything like a self-critical phase. There will be no humility, no contrition, no correction, no meaningful apology.

2. Extension:

Note that the depth of the "extension" of the narcissist is shallow at best. Things don't ever extend far beyond their own minds. In their often outrageous or selfish behavior they are expressing themselves, and they are wronged when others are anything other than perfectly celebratory of their utterly scintillating and unremitting commentary on the world. It never occurs to the modern narcissist that others think he has nothing of interest to say. It could be that people who have read Shakespeare or Nietzsche or the Bible or Lewis find him boring in the extreme, and yet it is the narcissist who complains ceaselessly of the world's inability to hold his interest.

3. Acceptance of behavior:

Narcissists often think that any rejection of their conduct arises from hatred of them as people. Of course they also think that they are perfectly accepting of all people in all of their idiosyncrasies.  They are the pattern of love that others should follow.

One way to test this is to propose the "proximity test." It really is a simple question. What do we mean by "loving others as they are?" Does that mean I can have a safe distance from certain people? Does it mean that I have to accept their lifestyle choices such that I could live with them under the same roof? Would they want to live with me? Does it mean that I have to marry someone like them in order to validate their existence? To put it plainly, I think all narcissists should be free from the judgmentalism of others, as they desire. My interpretation of "loving them as they are" will be to leave them alone in their narcissism. I certainly don't plan to live with one!

4. Unhappiness:

Another curious aspect of the psychology of narcissism is that they seem to wish their unhappiness upon everyone else. If they think that someone slighted them, or snubbed them, or said something hurtful to them, they demand that you join them in their suffering. When their narcissism in the end leaves them alone and miserable, they can't imagine that anyone could possibly move on from them and be happy. In truth, many people become happy by distance from the narcissists in their lives, or at least their happiness is permitted the space to grow. In hell there will be endless vexed narcissists staring across the chasm at the laughter of those in heaven and wondering how anyone can laugh without their presence, and more why the residents of heaven laugh while those in hell are miserable. The narcissists of hell will reason that their own warped and frustrated and sinewed and inward-bent psychology should be extended to all; that everyone should be exactly as they are forever.

In fact hell will be the perfect place for narcissists. They will be allowed to be exactly as they are forever. And it will be hell for precisely that reason above all. There will be no more judgment from God or others unlike them; that is, there will be no more righteous judgment. In its place, they will be judged by their fellow narcissists forever. That is another reason it will be hell!

Finally, the narcissist is utterly impervious to critique. It is the world that has the problem. To the extent that anyone should venture into anything other than praise of them, that is the extent to which the critic has a problem. You will never stump a narcissist. You may get an apology from them, but it will be self-serving. There is nothing wrong with them. They are perfect exactly as they are! If any narcissist should chance to read this little piece, they will immediately see only the defects of others in it, or more likely the defects of the author.