Couple Laments Trip to Napa not Bougie Enough

Napa, California

A wine tasting at an upper tier winery in Napa is fraught with expectations. Will it be truly special enough to make the specials feel that they are special? It is the feeling of the thing that matters, and feelings are subjective. Will the experience make one forget that all pleasure is a mere vacuous distraction from this long march to the grave? Will it be enough to make some VP of accounting for some random exceedingly important widget maker feel the weight of his exalted position in life? And what happens when it falls short, when it isn't bourgeois enough?

Just such an experience afflicted poor Renard McPhereson and his new wife Trina just recently. After some time recovering from the encounter, they felt the courage to open up about the harrowing experience.

“I don’t even know where to start,” said Renard indignantly. “It all began when we pulled up to the enormous metal gate with the logo of the winery on it. We used the gate keypad to dial in, explaining that we had a tasting appointment. Ridiculous! It felt like we were on some squawk box ordering Mc Donald’s.” At this the 26 year old Trina plaintively mewled, “Eww!”

“Surely they could have had an actual person, perhaps a footman at the gate with a splash of bubbly there to greet us. Instead we had to wait until we pulled all the way up to the winery parking lot to be greeted by some millennial with a $200 haircut, sculpted beard, and Patagonia vest. Where was the properly dressed footman? I don't mind the pretensions of the proletariat as a general rule. Hiding class distinctions in the capitalist structure is helpful to prevent things like guillotines, but this is Napa!"

On Renard went, bravely telling his tale of woe, with Trina chiming in occasionally with an “Oh my gawd,” or “seriously," or her favorite, “eww!” His critique began with their pedantic host. His title was “Executive Enological Experience Expert," and somehow that all fit on his name tag. He had little interest in Renard or his bouncy bride, and spent the time name dropping about this celebrity winemaker and that celebrity winemaker, and how the clay loam this and alluvial that and the Sun on the ridge at 4:33 pm each day made truly exalted wines worth $2000 a bottle. But in all of this, Mr. Shimmering Beard oil audaciously ornamented with the fat watch clearly didn’t notice how important Renard and his trophy wife really are, how they like to name drop too, how they like to talk about their wine collection. He showed no interest in them at all! It was as if Mr. Italian Loafers thought Renard and Trina were the lucky ones to be there; that they were just another appointment printed on special linen paper. 

Not only that, but they didn’t even call to see if Trina likes black truffle, which she doesn’t! The whole tasting menu lacked any personal touches. The Iberico ham leg displayed in the tasting room was a nice touch, but it wasn’t even from Huelva! 

The interview ended with Renard simple dissolving into incoherent ranting. “It was all so derivative, unsurprising, more ponderous lighting of barrels and perfectly appointed rooms and polished glass and pretty gourmet food bites of caviar and cheese from some terribly important farm. And the multi-million dollar architecture merely to introduce them to Mr. Fake Smile. Where was the footman? And every one of these places is like that, with minor variations for the style of the fountains! I’m just bored with it all! Bored! Bored!” And he began to trail off and stare blankly, obviously compensating for his pain with anger. 

Pickle Ball World Championships (Costa Mesa Parks and Recreation Championships)

Costa Mesa, California

During the Ides of March, when fools place bets on College Basketball and there is otherwise a great dearth of meaningful athletic competition to behold on the American sports scene, there is on display some of the great unheralded athletes of our day. 

These gods and goddesses of sport compete for the love of the game, for the purity of sport, without pay or promise of glory.

They wield rackets forged in iron and fire, destined for the conflagration of the ages. They descend upon Costa Mesa with hearts pregnant with honor and courage, virtues the common man only dreams of or views from a distance in pangs of pathetic envy.

Not just anyone makes it to the Pickle Ball World Championships, also knows as the Costa Mesa Parks and Recreation Regional Championships. 

After many days of intense competition in the senior division (the only division); of grunts and the smell of liniment, of neoprene knee braces, of matching almost tennis outfits, of fallen heroes, of the crucible of hot battle, the final two emerged. We would be remiss if we didn't offer our sincerest congratulations to the two teams who fell in glorious Pickle battle to the two triumphant teams. Were it not for a sciatica injury to Bill "The Night Nurse" Juroviski (so nicknamed because of his talent for taking out the crap), things might have looked a lot different. But enough unbearable build up! Let us introduce you to the championship teams, each vying for the coveted Pickle Ball Trophy, which is just a whiffle ball made of bronze with names etched in immortality.

Team 1: Rackets of Fire

Captain Janice "The Executionist" Jones and Marvin "The Machete" Smith

Team 2: The Luftwaffe 

Captain Helga "The Howitzer" Heinrickson and Gunter "The Junk Baller" Ackerman

One would think that with the matching socks and head-bands and knee braces, team Rackets of Fire could perhaps be taken lightly. We asked the members of Luftwaffe what they thought of their competition before the game, and Helga Henrickson said solemnly, "We know we have our work cut out for us, but we feel confident we can hang in there with them. We've faced a lot of adversity lately, what with Gunter's tennis elbow, but that has only made us stronger." 

What ensued in this game for the ages was nothing less than the furious energy of the stalemated athleticism of finely tuned athletes prowling the courts, reflexes like jungle cats. It could only be described as a blur of rackets, like long swords in combat, every move countered by an equally dazzling answer, until all players lie exhausted on the court, having moved a total of twenty feet during the entire two hour long match. 

For all their effort, Rackets of Fire fell to Luftwaffe in a game so close it required two instant replay sessions to grant the winning points to Luftwaffe. Unfortunately for Luftwaffe, they were ultimately disqualified for violating the tournaments doping policy, having each spiked the Ensure with performance enhancers. 

Truly Unpredictable Hallmark Movie Plots

Hallmark Christmas movies are delightfully derivative and sappy and unrealistic and all the things we love at the holidays while we pretend the world isn't an absolute hell hole. 

There are those of us who want to see a truly realistic, even gritty, portrayal of life as it really goes in one of these Hallmark films. 

Here are a few plot ideas: 

1. She kills it at her job. She is sent to a quaint little winter hamlet to do a story on the "vanishing of quaint little hamlets." She meets this guy, a handyman, who turns out to be a prince, or at least a really rich dude. They put up this playful crackling banter with each other for a few minutes and then fall madly in love. But she is torn, you see, between the life of a world killer globetrotter journalist type and a small town nobody family woman. She seeks counsel from that snarky friend, and from her parents, and they of course counsel love above all. But she takes the job and he ends up marrying his old girlfriend. The End.

2. A developer wants to take over a centuries old family farm. He is ruthless. The farm owner is an old man with a beautiful daughter. The old man is in serious debt and the farm isn't making the money it used to. The developer decides to travel to the small town where this farm is located to make the old farmer an offer he can't refuse. He meets the daughter, and there is an icy initial dialogue, but there is also heat because they are both attractive. He makes his offer to the father, but the father cusses him out and storms out. While in town the developer sees the daughter working as a bartender, and then there is banter. Some drunk dude tries to make a move on her, but the developer steps to her aid, beating that dude to a bloody pulp. But the thing is he went a bit too far, and the man dies. The wife of that dude presses charges, and the developer is charged with murder and put away for life. The movie ends with her visiting him in prison, bringing his favorite carrot cake muffins. A cautionary tale about anger management. The End.

3. A family owned vineyard and bed and breakfast has fallen into disrepair. The old Cabernet vines are in bad shape, and so is the old house and the barn and all. A struggling couple decides to give their marriage one last try by going to this charming old bed and breakfast and vineyard. After a few days in this magical place, they find each other again and renew their vows on the old victorian porch. It is all magically set at Christmas. At the Christmas morning breakfast, after a night of passionate love making, he eats something and goes into anaphylactic shock and dies. The wife sues and the owner loses, forcing bankruptcy and the sale of the place. Now it is a parking lot for a strip mall. The End.

4. It's a time of war. But at Christmas the men find a lovely chateau owned by a beautiful woman. She takes them in, though they are from the enemy's side, and feeds them and provides them shelter. The captain, a widower, is drawn powerfully to her. For weeks they are with her in her home while they are healing from their wounds. There are several scenes of her dabbing sponges on his bare body. During this time they fall madly in love with each other. They go on walks through the fields, and laugh and pick flowers. They chase each other for some reason and fall down onto each other for some reason and kiss passionately. One day after recovering from his wounds, he sets out to put Christmas lights up on the exterior of the old chateau. While high up on the ladder the man falls and dies. She weeps and throws the rest of the men out and vows to report them. The End.

5. She is a poor girl from a broken family. But she is also brilliant and sweet, and a mysterious rich man makes her his special interest and, unbeknownst to her, names her beneficiary of his substantial estate. She receives various acceptance letters from prestigious colleges, but even with scholarships she simply can't afford to go. At Christmas the old man dies and she learns she is a bazillionaire. He turns out to be her miserable father who left her and her mother when she was three. She punishes him after his death by becoming an embittered harpy of a woman, spending all of his money on frivolous luxuries, avoiding responsibility by living a debauched life, having several abortions when in her 20's, and finally, after four divorces, dying alone in her cottage in Aspen with her Persian cats all around her. The End.

Mother Gaia Democrats Raise Alt Right Christian Republican

Autin, Texas

Moonbeam and Chaz Lovegood didn't mean it. In retrospect, they probably shouldn't have had a child in the first place. The planet groans under the burden of the human parasite as it is. But they were modest. They were only going to have one designer child at age 40, participating humbly with mother Gaia in creating life. They gave birth in a natural spring to their one daughter Aurora, fully expecting her to find her own identity, and by that they meant she would become an enlightened modern person and think just like them. 

Instead, and much to their horror, Aurora grew up to be what they call an "Alt Right Christian Republican." 

"We just don't understand how this could happen," said Moonbeam, spluttering ugly tears as she said it. "We were careful to raise Aurora in all the best schools--open, expressive schools without draconian rules or absolutes, creative communities of care and inclusion. And we didn't even raise her to be a girl or a boy or an American or any religion. We raised her in pristine neutrality, giving her the gift of creating her entire universe, unlike the stifling sectarianism of our parents and their blind Christian white privilege. How could she do this to us?" 

"As a father I was careful to manage my toxic masculinity," said Chaz with a flip of his beautifully maintained dreadlocks. Chaz was adorned in hemp clothing and Birkenstocks, and spoke truly about doing everything he could to downplay his masculinity. His diet of lentils and kale gave him a sleek, almost waif-like physique. Certainly few people on planet earth would be intimidated by the androgynous skeleton of Chaz, even in his most aggressive stance of protest. 

"Whenever Aurora had questions about hard moral dilemmas in her life, or questions about death or God or meaning--you know, all the hard questions--I was careful never to mansplain things to her. She needed to find the answers to these questions for herself. We would always encourage her to ask the hard questions whenever she asked the hard questions. Answers are not as important as endless questions. We wanted our daughter to join us in our confusion." 

"And then one day she asked us whether the claim that answers are not as important as questions is itself an answer rather than a question, and we knew she was headed down a dangerous path toward absolutes. She was trying to find answers, and that was distressing to us. Why? Because we could sense her fear. And fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. I heard that quote somewhere once, and it is so deep." 

And on Chaz and Moonbeam went, telling their woeful tale of losing their daughter. It began with a search for truth, which assumes a belief that there is a truth to be found. She went off to college, took philosophy classes, and met the most endangered of all species--the intelligent Christian. She found answers to the endless questions, answers she could believe. And now she lives a life of conviction rather than confusion. Whenever she opens her mouth, her parents think she is speaking Ancient Greek or something. 

And get this! Aurora does't even smoke weed anymore. She drinks non-organic Chardonnay, and sometimes doesn't even recycle the bottle! She is truly lost.

Woman Takes Courageous Stand in Affirming What All the Powers Tell Her to Affirm

Beatrice Franklin is hopping mad! And she is going to let you know about it in the most courageous way possible. She is going to repost some jarring memes on social media, the single most dangerous place on planet earth. Some might think that no-mans-land in World War 1, or religious fidelity in a time of persecution, or taking to the seas during the age of exploration, or things like that are the contexts of the greatest courage required of people in human history. Forget soldiers or explorers or faithful men and women. Beatrice has come that you might have an exemplar of bravery in these perilous times.

Not only has she stormed the ideological beach of Normandy, but she comes with opinions so bold, so razor sharp, so original, so beautiful, that they can only be uttered by the most courageous of the courageous class! She is so courageous that she is like a woman wearing daisy dukes taking a stroll down the streets of Kabul. 

Her social media feed includes such culturally radical forays into battle as these:

“White people are so racist it disgusts me. I feel sick being white.” 

“Women’s bodies are their own bodies and they can eject parasites inside them if they want to! Parasites are gross!"

"If women were in charge, there would so much less killing!"

“Everyone should be free to love whoever they love for as long as the loving lasts.”

"Capitalism enslaves!"

“Gas powered cars and plastic bottles and billionaires are killing the planet. Buy a Tesla and a yeti!”

“Rich people are so greedy. They should give their Tesla’s to college students.”

“College should be free, like the credit card my dad gave me.”

Now one would think that with such radical and minority views Beatrice would surely be facing persecution, and that probably is coming soon for such steely and courageous bravery, but most days she is only forced to summon her courage in facing her too hot chai tea latte at Starbucks, never yielding in her laser focus for social change from the plush safety of her corner booth. Thank you, Beatrice, for standing in the gap for all of us. 

Man Identifies as Semi-Sexual

 Local man Frank Higgins recently came out to the shock of literally everyone as "Semi-Sexual." The term basically means that Frank defines himself by larger constructs than his mere sexuality and identified gender.  He prefers to identify as a Christian father and husband and lover of wisdom rather than by how often and with whom he copulates. After all, one can only have sex perhaps .05% of one's whole life. But Frank has frankly not done the research on this, but he is nevertheless proud of the dad joke. 

"I think that sexuality is important and all, but it seems to me that it constitutes only a small fraction of how I want to be known and what I actually do. I mean, I am a Christian and I like great books and big ideas and I love to make my kids laugh and I want to learn wisdom and travel and discuss important things with friends."

These radical and controversial ideas were uttered in open space where others could hear Frank, causing a major backlash. 

Said one transgender bystander whose ear holes were violated by Frank's ignorance and heteronormativity, "It is offensive and insensitive to the LGBTQ community to even know that such people exist. I thought by now that everyone agreed with us that sexuality is everything and should be discussed everywhere and that there is nothing else interesting about human beings. First we were hated, and now we are being dismissively ignored. Things have obviously only gotten worse for us!"

The good news is that activists were able to cancel Frank and ban his various utterances on social media, so that they wouldn't have to know about him living out his balanced and deeply fulfilled life. 

Church Finally Achieves Total Behavior Quotient Sufficient to be The Gospel

At year 20 of its life cycle, Taycan Church of Newport Beach has finally achieved a total behavior quotient such that it can reliably rise above the charge of hypocrisy and represent itself as the hope of the gospel in the world. 

In a bold move that pushes the church beyond theology and into the deepest areas of cultural need, Taycan Church has been tracking the overall behavior quotient of their church for 20 years, believing that Christian behavior has been so bad that the world cannot hear the gospel. 

Said pastor Jerome Stevenson, “Jesus told us to peach the gospel at all times and sometimes use words. We finally realized that what matters is not what Jesus did as a dry point of historical reference or declarative theology, but what is happening through us now. How have our hearts and hands changed as a result of experiencing Jesus? Most Christians make the gospel unbelievable by their lives.”

The pastoral team of Taycan church has developed a detailed missional algorithm that tracks tithe contributions, time spent in devotional activities, service activities, church attendance, care for the planet and disenfranchised groups, along with various other good Christian behaviors, and then measures for negative behaviors like greed with money, rage driving, racism, drinking alcoholic beverages too much on weekdays, watching bad things on electronic devices, failing to recycle, and so on. The system then assigns a value for each parishioner. The aggregate score must then rise above the minimum score that pastoral experts have established for "generally good secular behavior." And Taycan church has finally risen above the minimum score. 

"Now what Jesus did can finally make sense to the watching world," said pastor Stevenson. "Jesus inspires us to be our best selves, and at Taycan at least we are finally seeing the difference he can make." 

Critics have noted that some of the reason that Taycan's total aggregate score improved over the past 20 years is that the truly sinful people left the church for churches that teach the old understanding of the gospel, but that is merely unsubstantiated speculation. Pastor Stevenson is confident that his church has by all metrics improved to the point that Jesus is alive and well in the superior collective of Taycan Church.