Man Bravely Joins Universal Chorus Condemning Obviously Bad People

USA

From the comfort of his suburban home, Jerry Smithers is unsettled. After a lovely dinner of Salmon and arugula salad, he saw a report on the news of a black man being killed by a police officer in another city.

Now Jerry sits before his computer screen. He must do something about all of this. He bangs out a Twitter post and cues it up, sweat pouring down his face. He knows this post will draw a line in the sand. He knows how controversial it is to come out against this kind of thing. How will all his white friends in cyberland react? The cursor on the screen just blinks back at Jerry. He paces the room for a few minutes more, wondering what kind of reaction it will cause. Will it go out like a rhetorical intercontinental ballistic missile into cyber-pseudo-world? What kind of sacrifice will it require? A thought passes through Jerry's head that if only he had lived 150 years ago, saying such things would have required real courage, but he suppresses that uncomfortable truth. The echo chamber of culture is louder still. He knows that a modern Lincoln, a modern King, are still needed. Their work is clearly unfinished. And he is just the man to finally also say something condemning such things in our time.

At long last, he summoned the courage of Wilberforce and hit send, then had a mild panic attack, which was quickly remedied by 18 Year old Macallan Scotch and a nap.

But the country thanks you, Jerry, not only for your compassion at the awful death of a man who clearly didn't deserve to die, but also for making your courageous stand and signaling your virtue so boldly, so nobly. You are carrying on the work of Frederick Douglas in our time. But remember, Jerry, fighting systemic injustice requires action also. The only way to do it is to destroy local businesses, because of the symbolism.

Man With Metaphysical Dysphoria Identifies as The Concept of 3.141

Los Angeles, California

Discrimination against those human beings who don’t feel like human beings is a serious and growing problem, say experts. One such case is the story of Pi, who came out recently as the number 3.141. When asked why he carries his decimal point to the third place rather than the second, he said simply that he was "offended that we would assume his decimal position, and that he was non-binary.” Obviously!

“Being homo sapiens is a biological fact, but the concept of ‘humanity’ is a social construct," Pi insisted. It appears that Pi and his disciples have seen some ridiculous, fatuous, obviously disanalagous connection between the idea that gender identity is unrelated to physiological and genetic strictures and their own position that physiological and genetic strictures like homo sapiens have little to do with how we define "humanity."

When asked if he meant to be wholly conceptual and abstract, like numbers, in which case presumably he would lose his human characteristics, like motion, speech, interaction, etc, he insisted that we were again, "imposing the binary categorizations” of "number" and "humanity" on him, and that, as stated before, he was "non-binary." In short, he is both a number and a human, as he defines himself. In fact, Pi envisions a world where there are no foolish categories, like a right way to be human and the like. When we asked him if his views on these things are right and that others who hold to binaries are thinking wrongly, which of course would be an obvious contradiction, he only responded by disappearing into the silence of his purely rational numerical self. 

Man With Species Dysphoria Identifies as Endangered Sea Otter

Carmel, California

A teen formerly known as Jude Butler has announced, via social media, that he is a lovable but endangered pacific sea otter. Such an announcement would have been received in less enlightened ages past (like 20 years ago) as controversial, but now we know that this demonstration of violence against reality is only adorable.

"It all started when I was young and would always eat on my back using my torso as a table," said Jude. "To her credit my mom never demeaned me, never thought I might be confused. She just thought that I might be experimenting, that perhaps I didn’t feel inside what my genetics indicated I should feel. And I certainly didn’t! I knew inside that I was a sea otter and not a planet polluting homo sapien!” 

Since the pacific sea otter is an endangered species, and since California is an open minded and groundbreaking progressive state, the Monterrey Bay Aquarium has agreed to house and feed “Whiskers” (formerly Jude Butler) and to protect him from natural threats like conservatives or religious people or the tyranny of his own biology.

As of today, Whiskers has begun his state funded full transition into a sea otter. The process is said to require multiple stages and multiple operations, but has begun with otter fur implants and various dental procedures to enable Whiskers to eat live sea urchin.