Joe Biden to Hire Cast of Hamilton as His Cabinet

Washington, D.C.

Following all of the woke institutions of the land but also demonstrating bold leadership, President Elect Joe Biden will make his administration the most diverse in the history of the poorly named White House. 

In a recent interview, Mr. Biden said, "Let me be clear, I am against all the whites that have imposed the whiteness upon the American people for so long. This office has for far too long been dominated by the whiteys, and it stops with me. In fact, I plan to form most of my opinions after hearing what Kamala has to say, since I'm also afflicted with the whiteness, and also my whiteness is even paler now that I'm so old." 

In perhaps the boldest move in presidential politics in the history of ever, Mr. Biden stated that he wanted to do something like the play Hamilton was able to do--that is, make America's story and America's leaders less white and thus more relatable. Then it occurred to him (and by him we mean his advisors) that it would be so much simpler to hire the already beautifully diversified cast of Hamilton itself as his cabinet.

When asked whether or not a group of remarkably talented actors are qualified to lead the department of defense, state, treasury, etc., Mr. Biden wisely retorted, "Come on, man! Sometimes the times call for us to look deeper than such petty things. We want under-represented minorities to have their place. They are young, scrappy, and hungry, and that--combined with their non-whiteness--qualifies them in my mind. Let me be clear, again, I'm not throwing away my shot to make this nation more un-white."

The first cabinet meeting/rap battle will focus on other under-represented groups. The buzz all about town is that Kamala plans to spit some sick rhymes pushing for Jill Biden to be replaced with the first trans womyn. 

Other plans include re-naming the White House the Rainbow Palace of Equity and Inclusion.

NFL to Enforce Social Distancing by Requiring Players to Wear Giant Inflatable Donuts

 Canton, OH

Always on the leading edge of culture, the NFL recently announced that it would institute a policy that can only increase both the safety of the players in the coronavirus era and also the excitement we've come to expect of chemically enhanced freakish males throwing themselves into bone shattering collisions for our amusement. Starting with the Hall of Fame Game in Canton, players will wear either a giant inflatable donut or a giant sumo suit under their modified protective gear. As a statement of solidarity with Black Lives Matter, each player will wear a helmet made to look like Colin Kaepernick's afro. It will be made of the best collision absorbing materials, will be a full 6 inches thick, and will look sick! 

"There are several benefits to this change in the rules for the league," said commissioner Roger Goodell. 

"The added padding will create social distancing on the field where once there was uncomfortably sweaty man-intimacy. Concussions can be minimized because of the sweet new afro helmets as well. We're very exciting about the possibilities of enhancing the product on the field to model both social sensitivity and safety." 

Said Goodell, "The only complication for the new safety protocols is kneeling for the anthem. Both the donut and sumo suits make it difficult to kneel, but as in all things social justice is the most important value, so players will be permitted to extricate themselves from these cumbersome health measures in order to protest the injustice of a society that pays them millions." 

Man Inclined to Be Racist after Being Called a Racist His Entire Adult Life

Jason O'Reilly is of mixed race. His mother is hispanic and his father is white. His mother struggled and so did his father, both of whom won scholarships to prestigious universities by working hard and excelling. They did well and enjoyed prosperous careers; the first in each of their respective families to be so distinguished.

Because of them, their son grew up with various advantages, like having a stable home with two parents who modeled virtue and industry. But his real privilege is his white name and looking mostly white too, a relief and a curse at the same time. Being white-ish has prevented all the traffic stops and glares of disapproval and discrimination with respect to job applications. Nevermind that he lost out on two jobs for which he applied, one to an Asian man and another to a black woman, and another black woman was promoted ahead of him. He is not bitter. As his middle class life has developed, Jason has worked hard, saved, married, had kids, and has done these things with a high degree of constancy in virtuous living. His interactions with black people can only be described as genial, respectful, even boring in their normality.

Jason grew to be a happy professional, whose university, culture, friends, and now even his grown kids, all believe to be a racist, having benefited from generations of illicitly won advantages, and allegedly having done nothing to correct for this abuse. He doesn’t even have a black friend! He is so ignorant that he gives to organizations that care for the human poor and not just the black poor! And he is obviously a selfish custodian of his advantages rather than saying something or doing something about injustice for black people. He even thinks that America is, on balance, a relatively good place. What a racist fool!

Jason is now old, perplexed, and worn down by being called a racist for his entire adult life, though he has never done or said anything to disparage a black person. He is assured that his racism is passive and that it is invisible to him. He has been called a racist for so long that he now wonders what the loss is in actually being one. Before he wasn’t uncomfortable around black people, but now he knows everything that their social media and political and cultural advocates think about him. He doesn't know how to behave around them and walks on egg shells around them for fear that he will say something wrong. He calls them "them” now. Previously he didn't see color. Now he sees it everywhere.

When he was younger, he worked with black people, went to college with black people, did commerce with black people and just thought of them as people, which is his most egregious offence. His own kids keep trying to evangelize him, pressing him to acknowledge the sin of racism, and cudgeling him to offer proper self-flagellation. But Jason still doesn't see the racism in his past, and probably won't because his privilege so blinds him. His kids have decided to cancel him in the winter of his days, withholding his grandchildren from him for fear he might contaminate them by his obliviousness.

Clearly the blossoming of Jason’s privilege and unconscious bias and implicit racism and white washing and murky white id personality--which he doesn't see but everyone else does--have motivated him to keep the black man down. Is there anything more obvious about this guy? Like Oprah says, there is no hope for some people. We just have to wait for them to die, and then make progress with the next generation.

Man Bravely Joins Universal Chorus Condemning Obviously Bad People

USA

From the comfort of his suburban home, Jerry Smithers is unsettled. After a lovely dinner of Salmon and arugula salad, he saw a report on the news of a black man being killed by a police officer in another city.

Now Jerry sits before his computer screen. He must do something about all of this. He bangs out a Twitter post and cues it up, sweat pouring down his face. He knows this post will draw a line in the sand. He knows how controversial it is to come out against this kind of thing. How will all his white friends in cyberland react? The cursor on the screen just blinks back at Jerry. He paces the room for a few minutes more, wondering what kind of reaction it will cause. Will it go out like a rhetorical intercontinental ballistic missile into cyber-pseudo-world? What kind of sacrifice will it require? A thought passes through Jerry's head that if only he had lived 150 years ago, saying such things would have required real courage, but he suppresses that uncomfortable truth. The echo chamber of culture is louder still. He knows that a modern Lincoln, a modern King, are still needed. Their work is clearly unfinished. And he is just the man to finally also say something condemning such things in our time.

At long last, he summoned the courage of Wilberforce and hit send, then had a mild panic attack, which was quickly remedied by 18 Year old Macallan Scotch and a nap.

But the country thanks you, Jerry, not only for your compassion at the awful death of a man who clearly didn't deserve to die, but also for making your courageous stand and signaling your virtue so boldly, so nobly. You are carrying on the work of Frederick Douglas in our time. But remember, Jerry, fighting systemic injustice requires action also. The only way to do it is to destroy local businesses, because of the symbolism.

2/12/2020

A Life in a Day

2/12/2020

I wonder at Indigo light glinting off 

the glass still Napa River at sunrise;

at the Caramel smooth depth

of a cup of coffee skillfully made;

at cool air perfumed by eucalyptus and wild licorice; 

at the peaceful expanse of 

San Francisco from 30,000 feet above it;

at the goddess whose velvet embrace

welcomes me home tonight.

Wonder has overawed me!

I wonder at the extravagance of God; 

to simply give all that one so helpless as I

could ever need, and then still more.

I wonder how it is that a simple sinful man

became a man of such true wealth. 

Above all I wonder at a truth—

that wonder of this kind

enlarges a man, expands his

universe, so that 

he is set free from the mad world of 

ambition and competition and puny envy,

and instead enters into 

an inexhaustible inheritance every morning.

This is no boast, for I did not seek it out.

No, a wild rush of wind

simply blew by

and carried me away.

And that is how this man in wonder is

paradoxically in motion towards the good,

and yet I remain utterly--praiselessly--passive.

It is Not Objectification if Women Do it to Themselves

Rule 286 of the unwritten and ever changing code of modern feminism is so obvious to certain women that it hardly needs to be written (it being intuitive for women), but for all the meat-heads out there who still don't get it explanation is clearly still needed.

It may be true that women of yesteryear were turned into little more than objects of sexual fulfillment and service to men. Men would ogle them in magazines and appreciate them only for their physical attributes. They had to make sandwiches for their men and welcome them home with a smile.

If you go back far enough in time, the patriarchy bought and sold women, married as many women as they wanted, had mistresses without concern, and basically used women as objects of personal pleasure and entertainment alone. In places like ancient Rome, men and only men could throw a woman's greatest treasure, her child, out with the morning garbage. In America in the 50's, women had to wear high heels while delivering beer to their husbands on couches.

But today women are teaching us about true womanhood. They have fought long and hard for their precious freedoms. Lots of celebrities and empowered women like Beyonce, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, and Shakira, are boldly using their newly won freedoms to provide sexual entertainment to men and advocate for the rights of women alone to kill their unborn children if they want to do so. In these days of progress and societal evolution, it is the women who are providing the sexual entertainment and also easing the consequences of unattached sexual liaisons through abortion.

If it weren’t for all the men objectifying women without women initiating it as a poetical demonstration of empowerment, we would have arrived at a golden age for women. But it seems clear that men still have a lot of work to do.

Multi-Site Megachurch Discovers How Awesome Youtube Talks Are

Chicago, Illinois

Digital Wonderland Church (DWC) of Chicago recently announced a bold new direction. Already a multi-site megachurch, it became apparent to the pastoral leadership that there is a lot of great preaching on YouTube, and indeed most of it is better than the preaching within Digital Wonderland Church.

"I don't know why it didn't occur to us sooner," explained Executive Pastor of Cultural Sensitivity and Discipleship, Francis Stevenson. "For the longest time we were churning along with modest growth fueled by frustrated small-church folk leaving their sham churches for ours, but we think this new direction will surely bring in some mega-numbers so we can fulfill our mission of opening up digital cafe churches all over the land."

According to William "Smitty" Smithers, Pastor of Demography, modern consumers of digital media are looking to the Church to give them exactly the same thing they are familiar with everywhere else. Apparently multiple studies have shown that people today like to watch stuff on screens, and they also like music, especially if it is fun or moving, so long as they don't have to engage something that causes perplexity or personal accountability. They want professional excellence in a warm and welcoming, but not personality invasive, environment.

That discovery, apparently altogether unknown to the rest of the oblivious churches in the land, got the staff of DWC together to embark upon new optics for 2020. The 180 person team at DWC came together and brain stormed--more like Brain Tsunamied--ways to reach this technologically superior plugged-in culture. They were in unanimous agreement that the best way to reach people lost in superficiality is to become equally superficial.

Pastor Smithers continued, "We plan to find excellence out there and then bring it to our people via digital media! We want witty comedian pastors, shocking vignettes, moving stories, montages, voice-overs of various scenes, Ted Talks, etc. We can stitch these together each week to provide our people with the cutting edge of Christianity rather than trotting out some frumpy no talent from some midwestern seminary.”

We asked Pastor Smithers a few questions:

1. Could this change make pastors obsolete, since people will see that the church is becoming a place where vaguely "Christian" inspiration is cobbled together from various online sources, which of course they will learn they can do on their own or with friends?
2. Is there really a need to travel to the satellite digital church when people can solipsistically view a screen anywhere, including those times of deep meditation on the porcelain throne? Or they can also view the screen in small groups at home, and so why the need for crowds and parking lots?
3. Surely tithe can be prorated down, since thousands and potentially millions of people would be supporting the same worship bands and a select few celebrity pastors, correct?

To all of this Pastor Smithers only blithely responded that, "It is certainly not perfect, but neither is ignoring the cultural trends in our musty churches with pipe organs and hymnals and bad performances. We have to meet people where they are in order to lead a small percentage of them to sit for a weekend seminar explaining the Christian Faith to them. We are building a massive church to find the Church within the church, within the church. "

A fine point indeed.