Truly Unpredictable Hallmark Movie Plots

Hallmark Christmas movies are delightfully derivative and sappy and unrealistic and all the things we love at the holidays while we pretend the world isn't an absolute hell hole. 

There are those of us who want to see a truly realistic, even gritty, portrayal of life as it really goes in one of these Hallmark films. 

Here are a few plot ideas: 

1. She kills it at her job. She is sent to a quaint little winter hamlet to do a story on the "vanishing of quaint little hamlets." She meets this guy, a handyman, who turns out to be a prince, or at least a really rich dude. They put up this playful crackling banter with each other for a few minutes and then fall madly in love. But she is torn, you see, between the life of a world killer globetrotter journalist type and a small town nobody family woman. She seeks counsel from that snarky friend, and from her parents, and they of course counsel love above all. But she takes the job and he ends up marrying his old girlfriend. The End.

2. A developer wants to take over a centuries old family farm. He is ruthless. The farm owner is an old man with a beautiful daughter. The old man is in serious debt and the farm isn't making the money it used to. The developer decides to travel to the small town where this farm is located to make the old farmer an offer he can't refuse. He meets the daughter, and there is an icy initial dialogue, but there is also heat because they are both attractive. He makes his offer to the father, but the father cusses him out and storms out. While in town the developer sees the daughter working as a bartender, and then there is banter. Some drunk dude tries to make a move on her, but the developer steps to her aid, beating that dude to a bloody pulp. But the thing is he went a bit too far, and the man dies. The wife of that dude presses charges, and the developer is charged with murder and put away for life. The movie ends with her visiting him in prison, bringing his favorite carrot cake muffins. A cautionary tale about anger management. The End.

3. A family owned vineyard and bed and breakfast has fallen into disrepair. The old Cabernet vines are in bad shape, and so is the old house and the barn and all. A struggling couple decides to give their marriage one last try by going to this charming old bed and breakfast and vineyard. After a few days in this magical place, they find each other again and renew their vows on the old victorian porch. It is all magically set at Christmas. At the Christmas morning breakfast, after a night of passionate love making, he eats something and goes into anaphylactic shock and dies. The wife sues and the owner loses, forcing bankruptcy and the sale of the place. Now it is a parking lot for a strip mall. The End.

4. It's a time of war. But at Christmas the men find a lovely chateau owned by a beautiful woman. She takes them in, though they are from the enemy's side, and feeds them and provides them shelter. The captain, a widower, is drawn powerfully to her. For weeks they are with her in her home while they are healing from their wounds. There are several scenes of her dabbing sponges on his bare body. During this time they fall madly in love with each other. They go on walks through the fields, and laugh and pick flowers. They chase each other for some reason and fall down onto each other for some reason and kiss passionately. One day after recovering from his wounds, he sets out to put Christmas lights up on the exterior of the old chateau. While high up on the ladder the man falls and dies. She weeps and throws the rest of the men out and vows to report them. The End.

5. She is a poor girl from a broken family. But she is also brilliant and sweet, and a mysterious rich man makes her his special interest and, unbeknownst to her, names her beneficiary of his substantial estate. She receives various acceptance letters from prestigious colleges, but even with scholarships she simply can't afford to go. At Christmas the old man dies and she learns she is a bazillionaire. He turns out to be her miserable father who left her and her mother when she was three. She punishes him after his death by becoming an embittered harpy of a woman, spending all of his money on frivolous luxuries, avoiding responsibility by living a debauched life, having several abortions when in her 20's, and finally, after four divorces, dying alone in her cottage in Aspen with her Persian cats all around her. The End.

Mother Gaia Democrats Raise Alt Right Christian Republican

Autin, Texas

Moonbeam and Chaz Lovegood didn't mean it. In retrospect, they probably shouldn't have had a child in the first place. The planet groans under the burden of the human parasite as it is. But they were modest. They were only going to have one designer child at age 40, participating humbly with mother Gaia in creating life. They gave birth in a natural spring to their one daughter Aurora, fully expecting her to find her own identity, and by that they meant she would become an enlightened modern person and think just like them. 

Instead, and much to their horror, Aurora grew up to be what they call an "Alt Right Christian Republican." 

"We just don't understand how this could happen," said Moonbeam, spluttering ugly tears as she said it. "We were careful to raise Aurora in all the best schools--open, expressive schools without draconian rules or absolutes, creative communities of care and inclusion. And we didn't even raise her to be a girl or a boy or an American or any religion. We raised her in pristine neutrality, giving her the gift of creating her entire universe, unlike the stifling sectarianism of our parents and their blind Christian white privilege. How could she do this to us?" 

"As a father I was careful to manage my toxic masculinity," said Chaz with a flip of his beautifully maintained dreadlocks. Chaz was adorned in hemp clothing and Birkenstocks, and spoke truly about doing everything he could to downplay his masculinity. His diet of lentils and kale gave him a sleek, almost waif-like physique. Certainly few people on planet earth would be intimidated by the androgynous skeleton of Chaz, even in his most aggressive stance of protest. 

"Whenever Aurora had questions about hard moral dilemmas in her life, or questions about death or God or meaning--you know, all the hard questions--I was careful never to mansplain things to her. She needed to find the answers to these questions for herself. We would always encourage her to ask the hard questions whenever she asked the hard questions. Answers are not as important as endless questions. We wanted our daughter to join us in our confusion." 

"And then one day she asked us whether the claim that answers are not as important as questions is itself an answer rather than a question, and we knew she was headed down a dangerous path toward absolutes. She was trying to find answers, and that was distressing to us. Why? Because we could sense her fear. And fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. I heard that quote somewhere once, and it is so deep." 

And on Chaz and Moonbeam went, telling their woeful tale of losing their daughter. It began with a search for truth, which assumes a belief that there is a truth to be found. She went off to college, took philosophy classes, and met the most endangered of all species--the intelligent Christian. She found answers to the endless questions, answers she could believe. And now she lives a life of conviction rather than confusion. Whenever she opens her mouth, her parents think she is speaking Ancient Greek or something. 

And get this! Aurora does't even smoke weed anymore. She drinks non-organic Chardonnay, and sometimes doesn't even recycle the bottle! She is truly lost.