Man With Metaphysical Dysphoria Identifies as The Concept of 3.141

Los Angeles, California

Discrimination against those human beings who don’t feel like human beings is a serious and growing problem, say experts. One such case is the story of Pi, who came out recently as the number 3.141. When asked why he carries his decimal point to the third place rather than the second, he said simply that he was "offended that we would assume his decimal position, and that he was non-binary.” Obviously!

“Being homo sapiens is a biological fact, but the concept of ‘humanity’ is a social construct," Pi insisted. It appears that Pi and his disciples have seen some ridiculous, fatuous, obviously disanalagous connection between the idea that gender identity is unrelated to physiological and genetic strictures and their own position that physiological and genetic strictures like homo sapiens have little to do with how we define "humanity."

When asked if he meant to be wholly conceptual and abstract, like numbers, in which case presumably he would lose his human characteristics, like motion, speech, interaction, etc, he insisted that we were again, "imposing the binary categorizations” of "number" and "humanity" on him, and that, as stated before, he was "non-binary." In short, he is both a number and a human, as he defines himself. In fact, Pi envisions a world where there are no foolish categories, like a right way to be human and the like. When we asked him if his views on these things are right and that others who hold to binaries are thinking wrongly, which of course would be an obvious contradiction, he only responded by disappearing into the silence of his purely rational numerical self. 

Progressive Church to Have Vegan, Pescatarian, Gluten-Free Pot-Luck

Bolder, Colorado

In an effort to more fully reverence the planet and create sustainable pot-lucking practices, Infinite Sustainability Church of Bolder, Colorado recently held its first "Mother Earth Potluck."

After the service, in which congregants praised various deities in various languages in various ways, like some great jazz concert to every imagined deity, including a group vowing silence in reverence to the "unknown god," the community of Infinite Sustainability joined together in feasting and pharmaceuticals. There were many dishes for the community to enjoy, but some of the favorites were:

1. Lentils on a bed of grass and julienned Lebanese cedar. This was paired with a mulled hemp wine.

2. A mini pot of CBD infused compost with succulent earthworms.

3. For the pescatarians, a live minnow stew in a seawater broth with picked kelp.

4. And for dessert, the curdled secretions of the Himalayan mountain goat, sprinkled with candied crickets over a gluten free mound of organic coconut flour.

One of the community members, Zoe Earthrider Smith, said of the event, "It is beautiful to see so many people of different races and sexual identities and religions come together to the glory and beauty and pleasure of Mother Gaia.”

Unfortunately, one of the vegans inadvertently partook of the fish stew and had to be ceremonially purged, which is something like a biological exorcism too frightening to describe here.

All in all, the event was an enormous success, so much so that planners are already excited about next month's potluck, in which they hope to double the attendance to twelve.

Man With Species Dysphoria Identifies as Endangered Sea Otter

Carmel, California

A teen formerly known as Jude Butler has announced, via social media, that he is a lovable but endangered pacific sea otter. Such an announcement would have been received in less enlightened ages past (like 20 years ago) as controversial, but now we know that this demonstration of violence against reality is only adorable.

"It all started when I was young and would always eat on my back using my torso as a table," said Jude. "To her credit my mom never demeaned me, never thought I might be confused. She just thought that I might be experimenting, that perhaps I didn’t feel inside what my genetics indicated I should feel. And I certainly didn’t! I knew inside that I was a sea otter and not a planet polluting homo sapien!” 

Since the pacific sea otter is an endangered species, and since California is an open minded and groundbreaking progressive state, the Monterrey Bay Aquarium has agreed to house and feed “Whiskers” (formerly Jude Butler) and to protect him from natural threats like conservatives or religious people or the tyranny of his own biology.

As of today, Whiskers has begun his state funded full transition into a sea otter. The process is said to require multiple stages and multiple operations, but has begun with otter fur implants and various dental procedures to enable Whiskers to eat live sea urchin.

Local Megachurch Experiments With Multiple End Times for Services

Dallas, Texas

Escalade Church of Dallas recently announced that it would experiment with various end times for its 3 services on its 6 campuses.

The martyrs may look down on Christians in America with disgust for not being able stay until the end of a simple church service, one hour out of 168 each week (which of course ends up being longer than an hour, which is why this program was developed in the first place), but the martyrs also don’t understand about the church parking lot. Escalade Church is confident it has solved this major customer service issue.

The new system will involve color coding in the seats. Blue chairs near the front are for those truly committed to staying for the whole long hugely demanding hour, or more. Red chairs in the back are for those who elect to leave during the prayer prior to the last worship set, which is a full 10 minutes prior to the final dismissal. Green chairs in the middle are for those who elect to leave at the beginning of the second song of the last worship set.

Church spokesperson Amber Bishop provided the elegant rationale for this groundbreaking innovation:

"This is a win/win for all involved! Congregants who wish to spend ten or fifteen minutes more at church are freed from the distraction of the heathens leaving for the best seats at the buffet or the sports bar, and the staggered dismissal program mitigates traffic in our already packed parking garages. Our pastors will be able to gauge the spiritual maturity of the congregants by their tier of seating, which also means that various discipleship programs can be developed to inspire those in the green and red seats to sacrifice 10 or 15 more minutes each week in deeper commitment, which is exactly what Jesus meant by 'taking up our crosses and following Him.'"

We asked Amber about all the late arrivals equipped with Starbucks cups who also wanted to be seated in the red section, to which a pensive Amber replied, "That is a great question. Hmm.... We need to have an optics meeting about that as a staff, but perhaps we can have staggered starting times as well. It is just a thought. But obviously we will need better coffee if we hope to have people actually worship the God of the universe on time."

Man Who Claims Humans Make Up Morality Morally Outraged by Christians

Saratoga, CA

Podcaster, Blogger, YouTuber, Entrepeneur, Motivational Speaker, Social Media Influencer, Lifestyle Expert, and public intellectual Tad Ryerson went viral recently, again. In a Ted Talk shared more than that cat video where the cat grabs the cord to the ceiling fan and is flung into the wall, Tad charismatically asserted that Christian morality is curiously inferior and "only another subjective view" of how to organize human communities.

In a passionate Jeremiad against Christian morality, Tad argued, "Christians pass themselves off as moral paragons, but their nationalism, homophobia, environmental obliviousness, and dark-ages sexual ethics are utterly ruining the spirit of equanimity and generosity required to sustain a forward-thinking and cosmopolitan society."

He continued, "The reason Christians can't see the inferiority of their view is that they think they are correct and have been running rough shod over various cultures since the inception of Christianity. If they could see that, in a diverse world, morality is ever evolving, ever changing, as we evolve and change, then they wouldn't be on the wrong side of history, stuck in the dark ages. They would help us advance women's rights, LGBTQ rights, and do other things that align with our superior morality."

We made contact with Dr. Ryerson (his doctoral degree is an honorary doctorate from George Fox University in Portland) and asked him about what he thinks of Muslim morality in America?

In reply, he wrote, "That is a great example of what I'm talking about in my Ted Talk that was shared a few million times and received with thunderous applause and which I am now sharing in a nation wide tour of college campuses. Hegemonic Christians in America are behind all this dreadful intolerance of Muslims. Muslims should be free to express their moral views as freely as anyone. They enrich the conversation. It is unfair to simply shut them down, as Christians no doubt would have us do."

Of course, we had to press a bit, and wanted to know how Dr. Ryerson could hold that the absolutist claims of Muslims in America on these topics are to be graciously heard and seen as equal to other views and that the Christian view is "inferior" and should be silenced through evolutionary "advancement" and even legislation. It seemed to us that there were at least two layers of contradiction in Dr. Ryerson's arguments.

Unfortunately Dr. Ryerson had to end our discussion, saying abruptly that he has chosen to take a different line with racists who are not "global thinkers" and wish only to "put people into oversimple compartments for ease of judgment," and also that he had to finish his research on activating chakras through CrossFit and developing these ideas into a new wellness program.

Christian Philosopher Finally Yields to Superior Argument of Pop Princesses

La Mirada, California

Dr. William Lane Craig has finally seen the emptiness of his life's work.

Like a foolish lamb led to slaughter, he walked right into an argument in which a young person simply quoted the devastating cultural genius embedded in the lyrics of a few pop princesses. He was utterly taken off guard. He was so deeply owned by the power of their ideas that no mansplaining could navigate him out of the layered depths and sophistication of their words.

In an open letter, Dr. Craig repented of his ways:

"I've spent so many years taking on the toughest unbelieving intellectuals in American life, but I never realized that Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga have so wrecked me. As soon as I read the lyrics of songs like You Need to Calm Down and Born This Way and Firework, I instantly regretted my whole career and every paper thin argument I've ever ignorantly written."

"For example, I didn't realize that people aren't sinners; they are Fireworks. I thought they needed redemption, but that song has made me realize that what they need to do is express themselves in all their depravity because sin is colorful, like the fourth of July."

"And oh boy was I wrong about gay people. I used to argue syllogisms and other foolish nonsense, like: If something works counter to teleological function, then it can be considered unnatural. Homosexuality works counter to teleological function. Therefore, homosexuality is unnatural. But now I know that that syllogism is just shade throwing. And 'shade never made anybody less gay.'"

"I surrender the argument to the probing depths of these songs and vow to throw no more shade upon my fellow human beings. And to anyone on whom my microagressive shade throwing has caused injury, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I only was mistaken because I haven't really thought much about these things."

Charity Gala Brings in Enough to Pay for Charity Gala

Fort Worth, TX

Three months ago, Redeemer Christian School of Fort Worth announced a windfall from their 1920's Great Gatsby themed charity gala aptly titled "The Grande Affair." The event brought in a whopping 400,000, but also cost the school just over 350,000.

But The Grande Affair truly was "grande," with the e on the end of the word. It was held in the ballroom of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, complete with a sumptuous four course meal delightfully headlined by Lobster Thermidor. One attendee stated that the event "was a triumph," and also that she was wearing Dior. A bouncy housewife near her wearing Gucci gushed about how everyone was so generous and so beautiful and so committed to God's work at Redeemer Christian. "Events like this show you just how many people in the community love Christian education and love to show off their money to each other. It is truly moving to see how a few wealthy families can turn an entire organization into a group of groveling dependents, and how one event can display this with such clarity and beauty."

Though the event did little to advance the endowment fund due to the massive cost of the event itself, it was heralded as a true success. School president Dr. Renard O'Neil explained that "this is an investment in getting the attention of rich donors and their circle of friends. It is our effort to compete with so many other worthy events like this, where the rich can exchange services in an elegant and bibulous environment and also feel that they are supporting a worthy cause."

The headline event of the evening was, of course, the auction, where rich donors were regaled with the crackling wit of the auctioneer while offering their vacation homes and other wares to each other. The big winners of the evening at the auction purchased a week in Vail, a week in Fiji, a parking space with lighted signage for their teen, and also immunity from expulsion should their teen ever surprise the school by breaking a rule or two.

The best news of all is that since the school made so little on the event, it will need to do it again next year. Themes for next year's event are already in the works. The best ideas so far are "Water to Wine," "Raising Olympus," "Aristocratic Utopia," and "Let Them Eat Cake."