Parents Who Can Afford it Buy Boat Instead of Sending Their Kid to Christian School

Dallas, Texas

Bob and Wendy Richey are your average suffering upper middle class parents. They only have two houses, unlike many of their friends who have lots more, and they certainly can’t afford private schooling for their two designer kids.

As committed Christians, they know there is a lot of whacky teaching going on in the public schools, but the public schools are free, kind of. They already pay for obscenely high property taxes in both of their gated communities. 

“We are as disturbed as any that our kids are being taught things we don’t believe about gender and sexuality and the unborn and socialism and postmodernism and identity politics grounded in Marxism and atheism and pretty much everything that is of deepest value in education, but what can we do?”

When it was pointed out that their community was one of the fortunate communities to have a truly Christian high school, in the sense that the school actually teaches theology as a tool to unlock all the arts and sciences, Bob answered that the school in question was “absurdly expensive,” and “how could Christians of conscience charge so much?” and that “Jesus would be a socialist and give away education for free because he said to suffer the little children and all that..." 

"And furthermore," Bob noted, "It's all going to be a waste of money when all these Christian school kids go off to college and become a bunch of clones of the secular universities and the secular culture!" 

And then Bob, exasperated in his own confusion but also blaming the interviewer, slammed the door on his F-350 pulling his 28 foot Cobalt and sped away.

Genius Social Commentator Works Hard to find Flaws in Flawed Human Beings

Washington, D.C.

Liberal voices everywhere are pooling their impressive intellectual resources to find all the flaws.
Said Zephyr Livegood, “So few people today are willing to do the heavy intellectual lifting in our culture.” Grateful that all the world’s brightest and best people live in our times in the shining liberal wonderlands of our big coastal cities and big altruistic universities, she went on:

“We need better leadership than we have had! I mean, while it is true that guys like Washington and Jefferson founded an impressive imperialistic nation—and all I’ve done is get a degree from the University of Virginia and write some blog posts—they were still the bad guys, much worse than me and my friends! We don’t have slaves, or even buy stuff made in Indonesia. All our clothing comes from a Portland co-op."

In an effort to appropriately identify the flawed people, Zephyr was kind enough to supply us with a list of people with whom we can compare our lives to feel superior: 

1. All the people who wore black face at some point in their miserable racist lives, except liberals like Jimmy Kimmel and Robert Downey Jr., because of the context and everything. 
2. Anyone who ever miss spoke on social media or in a college paper or in a high school yearbook or while in preschool.
3. The Police. Obviously!
4. Writers of tone deaf satire. 
5. White people. Even the mostly white people. And even the poor white people. 
6. Men. Especially the white ones. 
7. Rich people. (Except rich black people. And also except all the rich celebrities who think the right way.) 

8. Black people who vote Republican. 
9. Anyone who offends against the ever changing standards of incoherent postmodernists. 

10. Hitler, mostly for being white, like Trump, and like the Police.

Curiously missing from her list was any mention of people like Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, Castro, or people of that ilk. 

“Grace must be earned with pledges of fidelity to one's comrades. Some people give grace cheaply to anyone who seems sincere in asking for it. We give it only to those who prove to us that they are truly sorry for having been white. We must see public humiliation, cancellation, and groveling obeisance to the collective. Only then will we possibly consider--what is that word--forgiveness."

Joe Biden to Hire Cast of Hamilton as His Cabinet

Washington, D.C.

Following all of the woke institutions of the land but also demonstrating bold leadership, President Elect Joe Biden will make his administration the most diverse in the history of the poorly named White House. 

In a recent interview, Mr. Biden said, "Let me be clear, I am against all the whites that have imposed the whiteness upon the American people for so long. This office has for far too long been dominated by the whiteys, and it stops with me. In fact, I plan to form most of my opinions after hearing what Kamala has to say, since I'm also afflicted with the whiteness, and also my whiteness is even paler now that I'm so old." 

In perhaps the boldest move in presidential politics in the history of ever, Mr. Biden stated that he wanted to do something like the play Hamilton was able to do--that is, make America's story and America's leaders less white and thus more relatable. Then it occurred to him (and by him we mean his advisors) that it would be so much simpler to hire the already beautifully diversified cast of Hamilton itself as his cabinet.

When asked whether or not a group of remarkably talented actors are qualified to lead the department of defense, state, treasury, etc., Mr. Biden wisely retorted, "Come on, man! Sometimes the times call for us to look deeper than such petty things. We want under-represented minorities to have their place. They are young, scrappy, and hungry, and that--combined with their non-whiteness--qualifies them in my mind. Let me be clear, again, I'm not throwing away my shot to make this nation more un-white."

The first cabinet meeting/rap battle will focus on other under-represented groups. The buzz all about town is that Kamala plans to spit some sick rhymes pushing for Jill Biden to be replaced with the first trans womyn. 

Other plans include re-naming the White House the Rainbow Palace of Equity and Inclusion.

NFL to Enforce Social Distancing by Requiring Players to Wear Giant Inflatable Donuts

 Canton, OH

Always on the leading edge of culture, the NFL recently announced that it would institute a policy that can only increase both the safety of the players in the coronavirus era and also the excitement we've come to expect of chemically enhanced freakish males throwing themselves into bone shattering collisions for our amusement. Starting with the Hall of Fame Game in Canton, players will wear either a giant inflatable donut or a giant sumo suit under their modified protective gear. As a statement of solidarity with Black Lives Matter, each player will wear a helmet made to look like Colin Kaepernick's afro. It will be made of the best collision absorbing materials, will be a full 6 inches thick, and will look sick! 

"There are several benefits to this change in the rules for the league," said commissioner Roger Goodell. 

"The added padding will create social distancing on the field where once there was uncomfortably sweaty man-intimacy. Concussions can be minimized because of the sweet new afro helmets as well. We're very exciting about the possibilities of enhancing the product on the field to model both social sensitivity and safety." 

Said Goodell, "The only complication for the new safety protocols is kneeling for the anthem. Both the donut and sumo suits make it difficult to kneel, but as in all things social justice is the most important value, so players will be permitted to extricate themselves from these cumbersome health measures in order to protest the injustice of a society that pays them millions." 

Man Inclined to Be Racist after Being Called a Racist His Entire Adult Life

Jason O'Reilly is of mixed race. His mother is hispanic and his father is white. His mother struggled and so did his father, both of whom won scholarships to prestigious universities by working hard and excelling. They did well and enjoyed prosperous careers; the first in each of their respective families to be so distinguished.

Because of them, their son grew up with various advantages, like having a stable home with two parents who modeled virtue and industry. But his real privilege is his white name and looking mostly white too, a relief and a curse at the same time. Being white-ish has prevented all the traffic stops and glares of disapproval and discrimination with respect to job applications. Nevermind that he lost out on two jobs for which he applied, one to an Asian man and another to a black woman, and another black woman was promoted ahead of him. He is not bitter. As his middle class life has developed, Jason has worked hard, saved, married, had kids, and has done these things with a high degree of constancy in virtuous living. His interactions with black people can only be described as genial, respectful, even boring in their normality.

Jason grew to be a happy professional, whose university, culture, friends, and now even his grown kids, all believe to be a racist, having benefited from generations of illicitly won advantages, and allegedly having done nothing to correct for this abuse. He doesn’t even have a black friend! He is so ignorant that he gives to organizations that care for the human poor and not just the black poor! And he is obviously a selfish custodian of his advantages rather than saying something or doing something about injustice for black people. He even thinks that America is, on balance, a relatively good place. What a racist fool!

Jason is now old, perplexed, and worn down by being called a racist for his entire adult life, though he has never done or said anything to disparage a black person. He is assured that his racism is passive and that it is invisible to him. He has been called a racist for so long that he now wonders what the loss is in actually being one. Before he wasn’t uncomfortable around black people, but now he knows everything that their social media and political and cultural advocates think about him. He doesn't know how to behave around them and walks on egg shells around them for fear that he will say something wrong. He calls them "them” now. Previously he didn't see color. Now he sees it everywhere.

When he was younger, he worked with black people, went to college with black people, did commerce with black people and just thought of them as people, which is his most egregious offence. His own kids keep trying to evangelize him, pressing him to acknowledge the sin of racism, and cudgeling him to offer proper self-flagellation. But Jason still doesn't see the racism in his past, and probably won't because his privilege so blinds him. His kids have decided to cancel him in the winter of his days, withholding his grandchildren from him for fear he might contaminate them by his obliviousness.

Clearly the blossoming of Jason’s privilege and unconscious bias and implicit racism and white washing and murky white id personality--which he doesn't see but everyone else does--have motivated him to keep the black man down. Is there anything more obvious about this guy? Like Oprah says, there is no hope for some people. We just have to wait for them to die, and then make progress with the next generation.

Man Bravely Joins Universal Chorus Condemning Obviously Bad People

USA

From the comfort of his suburban home, Jerry Smithers is unsettled. After a lovely dinner of Salmon and arugula salad, he saw a report on the news of a black man being killed by a police officer in another city.

Now Jerry sits before his computer screen. He must do something about all of this. He bangs out a Twitter post and cues it up, sweat pouring down his face. He knows this post will draw a line in the sand. He knows how controversial it is to come out against this kind of thing. How will all his white friends in cyberland react? The cursor on the screen just blinks back at Jerry. He paces the room for a few minutes more, wondering what kind of reaction it will cause. Will it go out like a rhetorical intercontinental ballistic missile into cyber-pseudo-world? What kind of sacrifice will it require? A thought passes through Jerry's head that if only he had lived 150 years ago, saying such things would have required real courage, but he suppresses that uncomfortable truth. The echo chamber of culture is louder still. He knows that a modern Lincoln, a modern King, are still needed. Their work is clearly unfinished. And he is just the man to finally also say something condemning such things in our time.

At long last, he summoned the courage of Wilberforce and hit send, then had a mild panic attack, which was quickly remedied by 18 Year old Macallan Scotch and a nap.

But the country thanks you, Jerry, not only for your compassion at the awful death of a man who clearly didn't deserve to die, but also for making your courageous stand and signaling your virtue so boldly, so nobly. You are carrying on the work of Frederick Douglas in our time. But remember, Jerry, fighting systemic injustice requires action also. The only way to do it is to destroy local businesses, because of the symbolism.

2/12/2020

A Life in a Day

2/12/2020

I wonder at Indigo light glinting off 

the glass still Napa River at sunrise;

at the Caramel smooth depth

of a cup of coffee skillfully made;

at cool air perfumed by eucalyptus and wild licorice; 

at the peaceful expanse of 

San Francisco from 30,000 feet above it;

at the goddess whose velvet embrace

welcomes me home tonight.

Wonder has overawed me!

I wonder at the extravagance of God; 

to simply give all that one so helpless as I

could ever need, and then still more.

I wonder how it is that a simple sinful man

became a man of such true wealth. 

Above all I wonder at a truth—

that wonder of this kind

enlarges a man, expands his

universe, so that 

he is set free from the mad world of 

ambition and competition and puny envy,

and instead enters into 

an inexhaustible inheritance every morning.

This is no boast, for I did not seek it out.

No, a wild rush of wind

simply blew by

and carried me away.

And that is how this man in wonder is

paradoxically in motion towards the good,

and yet I remain utterly--praiselessly--passive.