Christian Philosopher Finally Yields to Superior Argument of Pop Princesses

La Mirada, California

Dr. William Lane Craig has finally seen the emptiness of his life's work.

Like a foolish lamb led to slaughter, he walked right into an argument in which a young person simply quoted the devastating cultural genius embedded in the lyrics of a few pop princesses. He was utterly taken off guard. He was so deeply owned by the power of their ideas that no mansplaining could navigate him out of the layered depths and sophistication of their words.

In an open letter, Dr. Craig repented of his ways:

"I've spent so many years taking on the toughest unbelieving intellectuals in American life, but I never realized that Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga have so wrecked me. As soon as I read the lyrics of songs like You Need to Calm Down and Born This Way and Firework, I instantly regretted my whole career and every paper thin argument I've ever ignorantly written."

"For example, I didn't realize that people aren't sinners; they are Fireworks. I thought they needed redemption, but that song has made me realize that what they need to do is express themselves in all their depravity because sin is colorful, like the fourth of July."

"And oh boy was I wrong about gay people. I used to argue syllogisms and other foolish nonsense, like: If something works counter to teleological function, then it can be considered unnatural. Homosexuality works counter to teleological function. Therefore, homosexuality is unnatural. But now I know that that syllogism is just shade throwing. And 'shade never made anybody less gay.'"

"I surrender the argument to the probing depths of these songs and vow to throw no more shade upon my fellow human beings. And to anyone on whom my microagressive shade throwing has caused injury, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I only was mistaken because I haven't really thought much about these things."