Mother Gaia Democrats Raise Alt Right Christian Republican

Autin, Texas

Moonbeam and Chaz Lovegood didn't mean it. In retrospect, they probably shouldn't have had a child in the first place. The planet groans under the burden of the human parasite as it is. But they were modest. They were only going to have one designer child at age 40, participating humbly with mother Gaia in creating life. They gave birth in a natural spring to their one daughter Aurora, fully expecting her to find her own identity, and by that they meant she would become an enlightened modern person and think just like them. 

Instead, and much to their horror, Aurora grew up to be what they call an "Alt Right Christian Republican." 

"We just don't understand how this could happen," said Moonbeam, spluttering ugly tears as she said it. "We were careful to raise Aurora in all the best schools--open, expressive schools without draconian rules or absolutes, creative communities of care and inclusion. And we didn't even raise her to be a girl or a boy or an American or any religion. We raised her in pristine neutrality, giving her the gift of creating her entire universe, unlike the stifling sectarianism of our parents and their blind Christian white privilege. How could she do this to us?" 

"As a father I was careful to manage my toxic masculinity," said Chaz with a flip of his beautifully maintained dreadlocks. Chaz was adorned in hemp clothing and Birkenstocks, and spoke truly about doing everything he could to downplay his masculinity. His diet of lentils and kale gave him a sleek, almost waif-like physique. Certainly few people on planet earth would be intimidated by the androgynous skeleton of Chaz, even in his most aggressive stance of protest. 

"Whenever Aurora had questions about hard moral dilemmas in her life, or questions about death or God or meaning--you know, all the hard questions--I was careful never to mansplain things to her. She needed to find the answers to these questions for herself. We would always encourage her to ask the hard questions whenever she asked the hard questions. Answers are not as important as endless questions. We wanted our daughter to join us in our confusion." 

"And then one day she asked us whether the claim that answers are not as important as questions is itself an answer rather than a question, and we knew she was headed down a dangerous path toward absolutes. She was trying to find answers, and that was distressing to us. Why? Because we could sense her fear. And fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. I heard that quote somewhere once, and it is so deep." 

And on Chaz and Moonbeam went, telling their woeful tale of losing their daughter. It began with a search for truth, which assumes a belief that there is a truth to be found. She went off to college, took philosophy classes, and met the most endangered of all species--the intelligent Christian. She found answers to the endless questions, answers she could believe. And now she lives a life of conviction rather than confusion. Whenever she opens her mouth, her parents think she is speaking Ancient Greek or something. 

And get this! Aurora does't even smoke weed anymore. She drinks non-organic Chardonnay, and sometimes doesn't even recycle the bottle! She is truly lost.

The Woke Washington Football Team

Since the NFL and other pro sports teams have taken up the cause of linguistic cleansing, it seems appropriate to suggest a few new names for the team from Washington, since they still can't figure out what to name themselves. In keeping with the league's current drive toward racial equity and inclusion, each idea was carefully culled from various sensitivity trained think tanks within modern American high schools, led by their teachers, whose bachelor's degrees from modern liberal secular universities make them among the smartest people ever to walk the planet. Any of the following names is clearly better than the former name, which was clearly hate speech, along with any other name pulled from Native American culture. The Braves and Chiefs and Indians can also consider some of these alternatives:

The Washington Woke

The Washington Adorable Woodland Creatures

The Washington Puppies 

The Washington Cancel Culture (the helmet can be all white with a black X on it)

The Washington Inclusivists (And the team could model this by representing all groups equally, including finally providing opportunities for women in the sport, other than as referees or kickers. It is high time we address the obvious sexism in the sport and put a few women at middle linebacker.)

The Washington Defunders (you know, because of the police...)

The Washington Cherry Tree (something like Stanford's move, but more Washington in terms of geography)

The Washington Django Unchained (a nod to a true race pioneer, Quinten Tarantino)

The Washington Recyclers (totally green uniforms with the little recycle symbol as the logo!)

The Washington Biodynamic Farmers (the field could be wild native grasses)

The Washington Socialists (all players paid the same, even if 3rd string)

The Washington Gretas (in tribute to true environmental warrior Greta Thunberg... they could have the little French braids coming out of both sides of the helmet)

The Washington Non-Binaries (Not in the racial sense, of course. Obviously, race is as clear as black and white, but gender is an infinite kaleidoscope. Rainbow colored uniforms here would be a true statement.)

The Tuskegee Air Game (Note that many of the think tank participants took issue with naming the team after the city, because Washington owned slaves. They also take issue with any university, city, state, or school being so named, because the only thing to know about Washington was his white oppression.) 

The Washington Iconoclasts (because it is better to use this chance to destroy the legacy of Washington... the mascot can be a smashed statue of George Washington)

Names involving abstract concepts, which may prove to be less offensive than other options one day: 

The Washington Infinity

The Washington Relativity

The Washington Sustainability

The Washington Multiverse

The Washington Subconscious Yearning

The Washington Peace

The Washington Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis (either Hegelian or Marxian)

Names that bluntly call America what it is as an ongoing reminder of how much it truly sucks: 

The Planet Polluters

The Parasitic Humans

Self-Loathing for Past Sins (the cheerleaders can perform self-flagellation, or simply sit and weep)

The Washington Plantation (a football field of cotton or tobacco)

Inevitable Systemic Racism 

Capitalist Hellscape

The Washington White-Washers (bonus for alliteration... everything white, helmet, uniforms, socks, shoes, banner. Then everyone boos when the team enters...)

The Washington Colonizers 

The options are limitless really. As in all things, we shape our language, and our language shapes us, and then we go back to shaping our language even more. By changing the words we change the world, and by changing the world we change the words. Obviously the world is getting so much better now that things are being more sensitively named. 

Lady Blah Blah

I know... really clever title to this blog, right? What I'm interested in discussing today is the argument in Lady Gaga's new song, "You Were Born This Way."

The key line is, "... you're on the right track, baby, you were born this way..." And it goes on to talk about gays, bisexuals, transvestites, etc. Real shocker that she has this kind of message and agenda.

But here is the latent argument within the song:

Premise 1: If you are born to do ... X , then it is acceptable for you to do X.
Premise 2: You were born to do ... X.
Conclusion: It is acceptable (morally) for you to do X.

My response here is a simple question regarding premise 1: Why should we believe it is obvious that if we are born a certain way that it must be morally acceptable for us to be that way? Does it really follow?

Let's play with a few examples:

Premise 1: If you are born to be a pedophile, then it is acceptable to be a pedophile.
Premise 2: Some people are born to be pedophiles.
Conclusion: Therefore, it is acceptable to be a pedophile.

Or...

Premise 1: If you are born to be a sociopath, then it is acceptable to be a sociopath.
Premise 2: Some people are born to be sociopaths.
Conclusion: Therefore, it is acceptable to be a sociopath.

Or...

Premise 1: If you are born to be homophobic, then it is acceptable to be homophobic.
Premise 2: Some are born to be homophobic.
Conclusion: Therefore, it is acceptable to be homophobic.

Now, of course Lady Gaga is no professional philosopher, but that doesn't mean we should accept muddle headed nonsense simply because it is accompanied by a driving beat.