Dallas, Texas
Escalade Church of Dallas recently announced that it would experiment with various end times for its 3 services on its 6 campuses.
The new system will involve color coding in the seats. Blue chairs near the front are for those truly committed to staying for the whole long hugely demanding hour, or more. Red chairs in the back are for those who elect to leave during the prayer prior to the last worship set, which is a full 10 minutes prior to the final dismissal. Green chairs in the middle are for those who elect to leave at the beginning of the second song of the last worship set.
Church spokesperson Amber Bishop provided the elegant rationale for this groundbreaking innovation:
"This is a win/win for all involved! Congregants who wish to spend ten or fifteen minutes more at church are freed from the distraction of the heathens leaving for the best seats at the buffet or the sports bar, and the staggered dismissal program mitigates traffic in our already packed parking garages. Our pastors will be able to gauge the spiritual maturity of the congregants by their tier of seating, which also means that various discipleship programs can be developed to inspire those in the green and red seats to sacrifice 10 or 15 more minutes each week in deeper commitment, which is exactly what Jesus meant by 'taking up our crosses and following Him.'"
We asked Amber about all the late arrivals equipped with Starbucks cups who also wanted to be seated in the red section, to which a pensive Amber replied, "That is a great question. Hmm.... We need to have an optics meeting about that as a staff, but perhaps we can have staggered starting times as well. It is just a thought. But obviously we will need better coffee if we hope to have people actually worship the God of the universe on time."
Church spokesperson Amber Bishop provided the elegant rationale for this groundbreaking innovation:
"This is a win/win for all involved! Congregants who wish to spend ten or fifteen minutes more at church are freed from the distraction of the heathens leaving for the best seats at the buffet or the sports bar, and the staggered dismissal program mitigates traffic in our already packed parking garages. Our pastors will be able to gauge the spiritual maturity of the congregants by their tier of seating, which also means that various discipleship programs can be developed to inspire those in the green and red seats to sacrifice 10 or 15 more minutes each week in deeper commitment, which is exactly what Jesus meant by 'taking up our crosses and following Him.'"
We asked Amber about all the late arrivals equipped with Starbucks cups who also wanted to be seated in the red section, to which a pensive Amber replied, "That is a great question. Hmm.... We need to have an optics meeting about that as a staff, but perhaps we can have staggered starting times as well. It is just a thought. But obviously we will need better coffee if we hope to have people actually worship the God of the universe on time."
