Genius Social Commentator Works Hard to find Flaws in Flawed Human Beings

Washington, D.C.

Liberal voices everywhere are pooling their impressive intellectual resources to find all the flaws.
Said Zephyr Livegood, “So few people today are willing to do the heavy intellectual lifting in our culture.” Grateful that all the world’s brightest and best people live in our times in the shining liberal wonderlands of our big coastal cities and big altruistic universities, she went on:

“We need better leadership than we have had! I mean, while it is true that guys like Washington and Jefferson founded an impressive imperialistic nation—and all I’ve done is get a degree from the University of Virginia and write some blog posts—they were still the bad guys, much worse than me and my friends! We don’t have slaves, or even buy stuff made in Indonesia. All our clothing comes from a Portland co-op."

In an effort to appropriately identify the flawed people, Zephyr was kind enough to supply us with a list of people with whom we can compare our lives to feel superior: 

1. All the people who wore black face at some point in their miserable racist lives, except liberals like Jimmy Kimmel and Robert Downey Jr., because of the context and everything. 
2. Anyone who ever miss spoke on social media or in a college paper or in a high school yearbook or while in preschool.
3. The Police. Obviously!
4. Writers of tone deaf satire. 
5. White people. Even the mostly white people. And even the poor white people. 
6. Men. Especially the white ones. 
7. Rich people. (Except rich black people. And also except all the rich celebrities who think the right way.) 

8. Black people who vote Republican. 
9. Anyone who offends against the ever changing standards of incoherent postmodernists. 

10. Hitler, mostly for being white, like Trump, and like the Police.

Curiously missing from her list was any mention of people like Mao, Stalin, Pol Pot, Castro, or people of that ilk. 

“Grace must be earned with pledges of fidelity to one's comrades. Some people give grace cheaply to anyone who seems sincere in asking for it. We give it only to those who prove to us that they are truly sorry for having been white. We must see public humiliation, cancellation, and groveling obeisance to the collective. Only then will we possibly consider--what is that word--forgiveness."

Charity Gala Brings in Enough to Pay for Charity Gala

Fort Worth, TX

Three months ago, Redeemer Christian School of Fort Worth announced a windfall from their 1920's Great Gatsby themed charity gala aptly titled "The Grande Affair." The event brought in a whopping 400,000, but also cost the school just over 350,000.

But The Grande Affair truly was "grande," with the e on the end of the word. It was held in the ballroom of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, complete with a sumptuous four course meal delightfully headlined by Lobster Thermidor. One attendee stated that the event "was a triumph," and also that she was wearing Dior. A bouncy housewife near her wearing Gucci gushed about how everyone was so generous and so beautiful and so committed to God's work at Redeemer Christian. "Events like this show you just how many people in the community love Christian education and love to show off their money to each other. It is truly moving to see how a few wealthy families can turn an entire organization into a group of groveling dependents, and how one event can display this with such clarity and beauty."

Though the event did little to advance the endowment fund due to the massive cost of the event itself, it was heralded as a true success. School president Dr. Renard O'Neil explained that "this is an investment in getting the attention of rich donors and their circle of friends. It is our effort to compete with so many other worthy events like this, where the rich can exchange services in an elegant and bibulous environment and also feel that they are supporting a worthy cause."

The headline event of the evening was, of course, the auction, where rich donors were regaled with the crackling wit of the auctioneer while offering their vacation homes and other wares to each other. The big winners of the evening at the auction purchased a week in Vail, a week in Fiji, a parking space with lighted signage for their teen, and also immunity from expulsion should their teen ever surprise the school by breaking a rule or two.

The best news of all is that since the school made so little on the event, it will need to do it again next year. Themes for next year's event are already in the works. The best ideas so far are "Water to Wine," "Raising Olympus," "Aristocratic Utopia," and "Let Them Eat Cake."