The Woke Washington Football Team

Since the NFL and other pro sports teams have taken up the cause of linguistic cleansing, it seems appropriate to suggest a few new names for the team from Washington, since they still can't figure out what to name themselves. In keeping with the league's current drive toward racial equity and inclusion, each idea was carefully culled from various sensitivity trained think tanks within modern American high schools, led by their teachers, whose bachelor's degrees from modern liberal secular universities make them among the smartest people ever to walk the planet. Any of the following names is clearly better than the former name, which was clearly hate speech, along with any other name pulled from Native American culture. The Braves and Chiefs and Indians can also consider some of these alternatives:

The Washington Woke

The Washington Adorable Woodland Creatures

The Washington Puppies 

The Washington Cancel Culture (the helmet can be all white with a black X on it)

The Washington Inclusivists (And the team could model this by representing all groups equally, including finally providing opportunities for women in the sport, other than as referees or kickers. It is high time we address the obvious sexism in the sport and put a few women at middle linebacker.)

The Washington Defunders (you know, because of the police...)

The Washington Cherry Tree (something like Stanford's move, but more Washington in terms of geography)

The Washington Django Unchained (a nod to a true race pioneer, Quinten Tarantino)

The Washington Recyclers (totally green uniforms with the little recycle symbol as the logo!)

The Washington Biodynamic Farmers (the field could be wild native grasses)

The Washington Socialists (all players paid the same, even if 3rd string)

The Washington Gretas (in tribute to true environmental warrior Greta Thunberg... they could have the little French braids coming out of both sides of the helmet)

The Washington Non-Binaries (Not in the racial sense, of course. Obviously, race is as clear as black and white, but gender is an infinite kaleidoscope. Rainbow colored uniforms here would be a true statement.)

The Tuskegee Air Game (Note that many of the think tank participants took issue with naming the team after the city, because Washington owned slaves. They also take issue with any university, city, state, or school being so named, because the only thing to know about Washington was his white oppression.) 

The Washington Iconoclasts (because it is better to use this chance to destroy the legacy of Washington... the mascot can be a smashed statue of George Washington)

Names involving abstract concepts, which may prove to be less offensive than other options one day: 

The Washington Infinity

The Washington Relativity

The Washington Sustainability

The Washington Multiverse

The Washington Subconscious Yearning

The Washington Peace

The Washington Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis (either Hegelian or Marxian)

Names that bluntly call America what it is as an ongoing reminder of how much it truly sucks: 

The Planet Polluters

The Parasitic Humans

Self-Loathing for Past Sins (the cheerleaders can perform self-flagellation, or simply sit and weep)

The Washington Plantation (a football field of cotton or tobacco)

Inevitable Systemic Racism 

Capitalist Hellscape

The Washington White-Washers (bonus for alliteration... everything white, helmet, uniforms, socks, shoes, banner. Then everyone boos when the team enters...)

The Washington Colonizers 

The options are limitless really. As in all things, we shape our language, and our language shapes us, and then we go back to shaping our language even more. By changing the words we change the world, and by changing the world we change the words. Obviously the world is getting so much better now that things are being more sensitively named. 

Man Attempting to Imitate Jesus Becomes Celibate Carpenter

Seattle, Washington

As with Nicodemus, poor Henry Marshall is perhaps taking things a bit too literally. He recently heard from his pastor at Sienna Church of Seattle that we are to imitate Jesus in all things.

His pastor boldly proclaimed that we live in a culture that emulates foolish cultural heroes and celebrities where it should copy the lifestyle of our cultural savior Jesus. "Jesus came into this world to show us how we ought to live," the pastor confidently and heretically proclaimed.

Since historical Reformed doctrines like justification, regeneration, adoption, and the like, get no traction when one is trying to build a large church, the pastoral staff at Sienna Church decided to mine Jesus' teaching for inspiration in making heaven for ourselves through action, according to our own desires, right here and now.

But silly Henry interpreted his pastor to say that he should immediately leave his wife and enter a trade school to learn the skill of carpentry, and begin selling wooden sculptures at the local farmer's market. The pastoral staff at Sienna immediately intervened, suggesting to Henry that he was perhaps mis-handling the Bible. But Henry remains unwavering. He sites back to the pastors their claims that we are to follow the example of Jesus, and that through our actions of giving up sex and making things out of wood we can make a better world.

The pastoral staff, for their part, clarified what they meant by imitating Jesus. Jesus obviously meant that we were to be vegans and fight against whiteness and climate change and capitalism and America! The pastors are still perplexed that anyone could interpret the Bible so recklessly. Then they returned to their studies of Origen, Rob Bell, and John Yoder.