Austinite Worried Heaven Won’t Be as Awesome as Austin

There is a city set upon a hill, a land flowing with craft beer and whisky, a utopia where Teslas abound and where the bodies and the beards are sculpted with an attention to detail that people in cities like Oklahoma City or Topeka or Fresno give to basic human survival. High paying jobs in technology abound for the deserving alphas that swarm to the farmers markets with their dogs, whose lives are immeasurably better than most of the members of the human species.

Twenty-eight year old mega-church attendee and software developer Boone Higgins boasted that Austin is the perfect city. “When I graduated from San Jose State, I was worried that I wouldn't find another place like the Bay Area. I had heard Austin was a sanctuary city for single young semi-Christians, but it turns out that this place is utopia. There is so much to do and see and buy, and there are so few unintelligent or unattractive people, and also virtually no children. I love it!"

As to Austin's reputation for materialism, Boone said, "The people here are rich, but in an authentic distressed-designer-jeans wearing kind of way. They are also environmentally conscious and spend their money in ways that love and respect the planet, like buying overpriced Yeti products. They give a generous minuscule amount to their mega-churches that don't seem to need it. They buy electric vehicles and solar panels and live on the lake, where they can commune with the divine in the simplicity and beauty of nature, sometimes on their boats. They don't build roads so that the trees can give us fresh air and hiking trails, which of course leads to miserable traffic, but who cares? I work in tech and live downtown and telecommute most days."

When asked whether Boone not only didn't want Austin to change, but that perhaps he didn't want to change to learn to appreciate something deeper and truer and better than Austin, like heaven, Boone responded by looking confused for a few seconds, and then sheepishly muttering, "that's deep," and then shuffling away to ponder this over a Thirsty Goat IPA and tacos.

Charity Gala Brings in Enough to Pay for Charity Gala

Fort Worth, TX

Three months ago, Redeemer Christian School of Fort Worth announced a windfall from their 1920's Great Gatsby themed charity gala aptly titled "The Grande Affair." The event brought in a whopping 400,000, but also cost the school just over 350,000.

But The Grande Affair truly was "grande," with the e on the end of the word. It was held in the ballroom of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, complete with a sumptuous four course meal delightfully headlined by Lobster Thermidor. One attendee stated that the event "was a triumph," and also that she was wearing Dior. A bouncy housewife near her wearing Gucci gushed about how everyone was so generous and so beautiful and so committed to God's work at Redeemer Christian. "Events like this show you just how many people in the community love Christian education and love to show off their money to each other. It is truly moving to see how a few wealthy families can turn an entire organization into a group of groveling dependents, and how one event can display this with such clarity and beauty."

Though the event did little to advance the endowment fund due to the massive cost of the event itself, it was heralded as a true success. School president Dr. Renard O'Neil explained that "this is an investment in getting the attention of rich donors and their circle of friends. It is our effort to compete with so many other worthy events like this, where the rich can exchange services in an elegant and bibulous environment and also feel that they are supporting a worthy cause."

The headline event of the evening was, of course, the auction, where rich donors were regaled with the crackling wit of the auctioneer while offering their vacation homes and other wares to each other. The big winners of the evening at the auction purchased a week in Vail, a week in Fiji, a parking space with lighted signage for their teen, and also immunity from expulsion should their teen ever surprise the school by breaking a rule or two.

The best news of all is that since the school made so little on the event, it will need to do it again next year. Themes for next year's event are already in the works. The best ideas so far are "Water to Wine," "Raising Olympus," "Aristocratic Utopia," and "Let Them Eat Cake."