Canton, OH
Always on the leading edge of culture, the NFL recently announced that it would institute a policy that can only increase both the safety of the players in the coronavirus era and also the excitement we've come to expect of chemically enhanced freakish males throwing themselves into bone shattering collisions for our amusement. Starting with the Hall of Fame Game in Canton, players will wear either a giant inflatable donut or a giant sumo suit under their modified protective gear. As a statement of solidarity with Black Lives Matter, each player will wear a helmet made to look like Colin Kaepernick's afro. It will be made of the best collision absorbing materials, will be a full 6 inches thick, and will look sick!
"There are several benefits to this change in the rules for the league," said commissioner Roger Goodell.
"The added padding will create social distancing on the field where once there was uncomfortably sweaty man-intimacy. Concussions can be minimized because of the sweet new afro helmets as well. We're very exciting about the possibilities of enhancing the product on the field to model both social sensitivity and safety."
Said Goodell, "The only complication for the new safety protocols is kneeling for the anthem. Both the donut and sumo suits make it difficult to kneel, but as in all things social justice is the most important value, so players will be permitted to extricate themselves from these cumbersome health measures in order to protest the injustice of a society that pays them millions."
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