Costa Mesa, California
During the Ides of March, when fools place bets on College Basketball and there is otherwise a great dearth of meaningful athletic competition to behold on the American sports scene, there is on display some of the great unheralded athletes of our day.
These gods and goddesses of sport compete for the love of the game, for the purity of sport, without pay or promise of glory.
They wield rackets forged in iron and fire, destined for the conflagration of the ages. They descend upon Costa Mesa with hearts pregnant with honor and courage, virtues the common man only dreams of or views from a distance in pangs of pathetic envy.
Not just anyone makes it to the Pickle Ball World Championships, also knows as the Costa Mesa Parks and Recreation Regional Championships.
After many days of intense competition in the senior division (the only division); of grunts and the smell of liniment, of neoprene knee braces, of matching almost tennis outfits, of fallen heroes, of the crucible of hot battle, the final two emerged. We would be remiss if we didn't offer our sincerest congratulations to the two teams who fell in glorious Pickle battle to the two triumphant teams. Were it not for a sciatica injury to Bill "The Night Nurse" Juroviski (so nicknamed because of his talent for taking out the crap), things might have looked a lot different. But enough unbearable build up! Let us introduce you to the championship teams, each vying for the coveted Pickle Ball Trophy, which is just a whiffle ball made of bronze with names etched in immortality.
Team 1: Rackets of Fire
Captain Janice "The Executionist" Jones and Marvin "The Machete" Smith
Team 2: The Luftwaffe
Captain Helga "The Howitzer" Heinrickson and Gunter "The Junk Baller" Ackerman
One would think that with the matching socks and head-bands and knee braces, team Rackets of Fire could perhaps be taken lightly. We asked the members of Luftwaffe what they thought of their competition before the game, and Helga Henrickson said solemnly, "We know we have our work cut out for us, but we feel confident we can hang in there with them. We've faced a lot of adversity lately, what with Gunter's tennis elbow, but that has only made us stronger."
What ensued in this game for the ages was nothing less than the furious energy of the stalemated athleticism of finely tuned athletes prowling the courts, reflexes like jungle cats. It could only be described as a blur of rackets, like long swords in combat, every move countered by an equally dazzling answer, until all players lie exhausted on the court, having moved a total of twenty feet during the entire two hour long match.
For all their effort, Rackets of Fire fell to Luftwaffe in a game so close it required two instant replay sessions to grant the winning points to Luftwaffe. Unfortunately for Luftwaffe, they were ultimately disqualified for violating the tournaments doping policy, having each spiked the Ensure with performance enhancers.
